52 – Who was I fooling?

I was excited as I took my 7 hour drive alone, imagining his excitement when he sees me next to him. Finally I arrived and called him to find out where he was, pretending to be calling on behalf of a friend who was visiting. He was out with friends having a good time, as I knew he would because we always went out and had a good time together. My eyes were glowing and my heart was beating fast and hard because of excitement, and then I finally saw him. I had a big smile turning into laughter. His greeting or rather welcome was a question – ‘what are you doing here?’ Well! I was so disappointed at the question and no kiss. It later became clear that my timing was wrong. After a few minutes, there was the young woman demanding to know who I was. ‘Was he not wearing his ring all this time?’ I thought. If he wasn’t, sure she had the right to ask the question. But I thought to myself ‘who the hell are you to speak to my husband like that?’ I did not cause a scene, because I am a lady, and I can endure pain. ‘This was nothing, and so I decided I had to see more’. And more there was. Later, they disappeared amongst the crowd. I stayed where I was seated until they returned. He then returned to me and proposed that we leave, but then I wanted to have a drink. I decided to buy him time, so that he experiences being with US two women in the same room. I watched him be uncomfortable, protecting himself from me getting the real picture of what he had been up to in my absence, and at the same time trying to protect his young new lover from feeling insecure in the presence of his wife. But then I could only take so much of watching a man out of control, so after my one drink I decided that we could leave.

I started my interrogation with him, and the lies started. LESSON - Unless he does not love you, a man will not tell you the truth that he is cheating. The lies went on for months, and our relationship became unbearable – we became unbearable for each other. How could I expect it to get better. He found comfort in her and a bulldog in me. Did I have the right to be that way with him? At the time I thought I did, and forgot his humanness. The more I attacked and interrogated him, the more he lied and protected himself.

He started spending nights away. Nights away turned into weekends away. I started missing him, and I started doubting myself. Questions of self doubt went through my mind:

1. Did she have something that I did not have? or perhaps she was more beautiful than I am.

2. Did she dress better than I did, or did she have a better fashion sense than I did?

3. Did her voice sound better than mine?

4.  Is there a way I was being with his friends that they disapproved of, and   approved of her?

5. Was the sex better with her than with me?

So many more questions, the list was long. My answers to all of the questions were, she has to be, otherwise wy would he spend time with a home wrecker at the cost of loosing what he had achieved over so many years? I decided that I had to update myself, dress better and change my fashion sense, speak better, make money, and perhaps go out hoping to make him jealous. BUT WHO WAS I FOOLING? The romance was good and she nurtured him while I was fighting and demanding the truth. She did not have to demand any truth because she knew it – He was married and she was inlove with him, And she would have him if I would not.

I got emotionally exhausted. I made his friends wrong. I felt that they did not protect me by atleast warning me. But they were equally scared to be responsible for messing up my marriage. It was a painful break-up. One I thought I will be the only one to know the pain of, by not showing. But my friends could see. I spoke about him to almost every one. He turned out to be the bad man who had no clue what he was loosing – my friends said. This gave me comfort. BUT WHO WAS I FOOLING? I loved him ever so deeply.

I pretended to let go of him. I got involved with someone else. Ooooh, the romance was so good. I felt young again, I felt wanted, I felt special. I felt those butterflies in my stomach all over again. Mmmmhhh, this was just what the doctor prescribed for my emotions and sanity. I introduced my friends to my new love. We spent great times together. We went out to places and spent late nights together. My lover adored me, and worshiped the ground I walked on. ‘Where did this angel come from?’ I thought. But after a while, I realised this romance did not compare to what I had shared with my estranged husband. I wanted him back. I was willing to welcome him back, convincing myself that he had just gone through a phase and had learnt his lesson, and was ready to reconsider getting back together. ”I pretended to let him go?” WHO WAS I FOOLING? Each time I had seen him with her my heart would beat so fast, I would get emotional and secretly shed tears.

We met in a husle and bustle – seemingly trying to cope with our situations. We got a moment together and spoke. I demanded him back, he demanded me back. Then, she arrived, and he left with her. ‘That is what he was supposed to do to her – he was supposed to leave her and go with me!’ What a waste of my emotions. I could hear myself shout this in my head. But I did not stop attempting to get back with him. I attempted many times, and it never worked. Then I took time out. I wanted to know what my lesson of life was from that situation. But I learned about myself rather. My lesson about myself was that I DID NOT LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT I DID NOT DESERVE THAT TREATMENT. It was not about him. The more I demanded him back, the more I was teaching him that I doubted myself. That must have engrosed him. Yet I made him wrong.

I APOLOGISE FOR MAKING YOU WRONG. AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THE LESSON THAT I LEARNED – ‘I DESERVE GOOD.’ I THANK YOU and your girlfriend FOR BEING ONE OF MY TEACHERS IN THIS LESSON.  I love you both, and I love ME!

 

MY MESSAGE TO YOU IS: You have to love yourself first for another to receive love.

 

Till next time, when I bring you another reality story.

 

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